FYI (An Open Letter to Mrs. Hall)

Normally, posts on this blog are only 140 words but I felt compelled to respond to a blog post by Kim Hall which has been making the rounds on social media the past few days.  You can check out her post here:

Here is my response:  

Dear Mrs Hall

I recently read your blog addressed to all of the young girls on social media your teenage boys have befriended.  As a parent with young kids and a former youth pastor, I believe you have set an admirable goal to “raise men with a strong moral compass”.

I also think that more parents should follow your lead and actively participate with their kids in the use of social media (or all media, for that matter).  It’s a complicated world out there so our kids need our help in navigating all the messages, images and ideas they encounter each day.  There is no such thing as “too much communication” between parents and their kids, so I congratulate you and your husband for using these conversations to instill values in your kids.

I am also completely on board with the overall message you are sending to young girls.  As a parent with two girls of my own, I’m all for anything that encourages young ladies to realize that inner beauty and character are infinitely more important than conforming to our culture’s skewed definition of “sexy”.

What I’m saying is, I’m on your team.  Based on the number of re-posts of your blog that I’m seeing on my social media feeds, a lot of other people are on your team too.

And that’s where my concern is.  You see, as much as I agree with you, there are some underlying assumptions and messages in your post that worry me.

The first issue I have is with your stated “zero tolerance” policy.  If a young girl posts a photo that you feel is too provocative, you ask your sons to un-friend her.  I get where you’re coming from; sometimes the best way to deal with temptation is to flee from it.

However, what does removing these friends teach your sons about how to handle sexualization and objectification in the real world?  Because, selfies on social media are only the tip of the iceberg.  Can your sons go to the beach? Watch TV? Go to the movies? Work out at the gym? Surf the internet? Go to the mall? Because all of these places contain women who are dressed or posed in such a way that may cause your sons to think sexual thoughts.

Instead of cutting them off, I think these selfies provide you with a wonderful opportunity to talk to your boys about how to view other people.  Use these pictures to discuss how we should view women. They are not objects designed to meet men’s sexual needs, but fellow human beings with feelings who, as you write, “are lovely and interesting”.

Your boys have a sister who is going to grow up in this same sexualized culture that tells women that gaining attention for how you look is just as important as getting attention for your intelligence, abilities or personality.  It’s a ton of pressure that a lot of girls give in to.  If your boys can look at a girl and think of her as their sister, perhaps instead of feeling desire for her, maybe they will feel sympathy for her instead?

I’m also worried about what message this “zero tolerance” sends to the young girls who you are de-friending? Are you telling them that if they make a mistake you can no longer associate with them?  That only completely pure and “good” girls are acceptable friends for your sons?  What does this communicate to people about the kind of God that you love and serve?  Will He “unfriend” us if we don’t match up to His standards?  I’m doubtful that this is the message you really mean to communicate.

There also seems to be a double standard with regards to “sexiness” and gender, within your post and within the evangelical Christian culture at large.

I couldn’t help but notice that you re-posted your blog with "new" pictures.  That means I wasn’t the only one to notice the irony of your message of modesty for young woman being interspersed with photos of your very handsome boys standing shirtless on the beach, displaying their exemplary physique.

Are boys the only gender that struggle with lust?  Can men not also use their bodies to invite the sexual attention of women?  What is the difference between that "red carpet pose" and a flexed bicep exactly?

Based on the fact you decided to change the pictures, I think you already see this issue.

 To me, the deeper problem here is that by trying to promote self-respect and inner beauty, we can accidentally make women out to be responsible for the thought life of the men around them.  “Dress modestly” girls are told.  “Don’t cause your brother to stumble” they’re instructed.  “Once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it.  You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?”,  you write.

Men here are portrayed as helpless animals, unable to properly control their God given desires and sexuality in a healthy way.  If a woman does anything to arouse them, it is her fault for provoking them, not their fault for dwelling on it and indulging it.  In an attempt to reject the culture, girls are pressured to act like nuns, hiding their beauty and bodies for fear of what they will do to the minds of the boys around them.

I know you aren’t saying this in your post, but too often this line of thinking gets taken to it’s logical conclusion.  If a woman is responsible for how a man thinks before she gets married, she is also responsible for how he thinks after she gets married.  So if her husband ends up using pornography, masturbates habitually or has an affair, it is often assumed that his wife is somehow not meeting his needs and leaving him unsatisfied.

In the book “Every Man’s Battle”, a book for men about overcoming lust, women are compared to “meth” and their husbands to addicts.  The general idea is that if women aren’t providing their husbands with their required dose of “meth” then the men are left with no recourse but to find their fix elsewhere.

I applaud you for wanting to raise sons of moral character so I hope that this includes teaching your sons to accept responsibility for their own thoughts and actions.  Adam blamed Eve for eating the apple and ever since then men have often tried to claim they were the victim of the actions of a woman.  This way of thinking is just as disrespectful and self-serving towards woman as objectification and lust are. Just like I cannot blame someone else when I tell a lie, I must take responsibility for my thoughts and actions towards women.

As someone who grew up in the church struggling with pornography and habitual masturbation, I can tell you that your boys are going to fail in this area of their lives many, many times.  So if you are trying to raise men, not boys, you will teach them that these failures belong to them, not to some girl on the internet.

Of course, if we as men have to own the blame for our failures, it means we have to own all the shame and guilt that comes with it. It’s an awful feeling, knowing that you’ve violated another human by the way you thought about them in your mind. I know, I’ve lived it.  You’re so scared that if people find out what you’re really like, they will reject you.

I think that’s where you come in as a parent.  Teach your sons to be moral, upright, men of integrity but more importantly, teach them that you love them, in their success and in their failure.  Teach them that they can be honest and real with you.  That they can share the messy parts of their lives with you and that you won’t judge them for it.  Teach them that you won’t “un-friend” them if they get it wrong.  Because they will get it wrong and when they do, that’s the moment when they are going to need you the most.

So go easy on those young girls, Mrs. Hall.  In a world like ours, we all need all the grace we can get.

Sincerely,
Eric Versluis